Saturday, May 22, 2010

Dream a Little Dream

I first started having pregnancy dreams shortly after Mr. Stick and I got together. They were pretty infrequent and never made it past the "BFP" stage, and for a long time they used to fill me with anxiety because I didn't feel ready for motherhood yet. I would always wake up relieved.

After we started TTC, I would still infrequently get these dreams and wake up terribly disappointed. The last such dream I remember having was the summer of 2009, and the dream had progressed to the point where a friend of mine was sending hand-me-downs from her twins(!) to me.

I knew that things weren't going well when suddenly I stopped dreaming of BFP's and started dreaming of BFN's. It wasn't bad enough that I had to experience disappointment in my real, waking life; apparently my subconscious decided it needed to remind me of my barrenness in my dreaming life as well.

A few months ago, I finally dreamt of a BFP again, but then after that came the miscarriage dreams - only two of them. I couldn't even blog about them - they haunted me terribly to the point where I wondered if it was even worth getting pregnant if I was only going to experience the kind of pain that my dreams merely hinted at.

And then last night, I dreamt I was pregnant again. Not just a BFP - I was in the hospital on my due date, waiting for my contractions to begin.

The sad thing about this dream is that IF had pervaded me so much to the point where I still didn't believe I was pregnant. My waistline was thick, but only a few inches larger than my current size, and I had gained only ten pounds. The nurse was debating whether to induce me, and I was arguing with her that I needed an ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat because I wasn't sure if I was pregnant, and I d*mn well knew that even if I was, I was too early along to even consider giving birth. I started crying, and I told her that nothing was even moving inside me, and this all seemed like a really cruel joke.

So she guides me into the ultrasound room, wands me, and I see a big smile come over the nurse's face. I look over (and remember folks that this is a dream), and it's not just a 3-D ultrasound, but a holographic representation of my baby. She's a girl, and she looks more like a 6-9 month old than a newborn - she has hair, her eyes are squeezed shut, and she is...beautiful. Not just beautiful in the "all babies are beautiful" sort of way but quite literally, physically beautiful in the way that I automatically think, "I'm going to be terrified the day she turns 15."

I worry about my lack of weight gain, and the nurse tells me that there is at least 15 pounds worth of baby and fluids in me (which is strange that she gave me a combined weight as opposed to the baby's weight), so I'm going to be just fine. (Which at that point, vain old me goes, "Wow - I won't even need to lose baby weight!")

Then we leave the room, and I see that a whole bunch of friends and family have come into the hospital to show their support and, in their words, "distract me" from all the pain I am about to experience. But I welcome the idea of the pain because I am happy and not scared anymore.

Waking up sucked big time. It took me a few moments to even realize that I had been asleep and dreaming, and all I wanted to do was crawl into that dream again and see the whole thing through.

I'm glad that my subconscious is feeling hopeful, even if the rest of me isn't quite there yet. And maybe this will sound pathetic, but a part of me is really happy that I know a little now what it feels like to really be pregnant...even if those feelings are just shadows of the real experience...and even if it was only in my dreams.

9 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about savoring the happiness--I've had one positive test dream, and upon waking, wondered if that was as close as I'd get... That vision of your beautiful child is a wonderful thing. I like to think you got a little peek into your future...

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  2. What a beautiful dream! Hang on to the things that make you feel good....never know when you'll need them. (((HUGS)))

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  3. That is an awesome dream! I love it when I have good vivid dreams =)

    The only time I can remember that I had dream where I actually gave birth, I woke up shortly after. That entire day seemed -off-. Like I had misplaced the baby lol

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  4. I've had a my fair share of pregnancy dreams - all just before I've had a BFP.

    But a bit like I don't consider BFP good signs, I live in fear of having these dreams now.

    I hope your dreams do come true...

    Happy ICLW!!
    #40 http://thegalwho.wordpress.com/

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  5. Dreams in all of this are strange. They can really mess with you: give you hope, make you despair, make you feel better, make you feel worse. I've never been sure how far to read into my dreams or how much to take them as omens of, well, anything.

    But one thing is certain - they stick with you. Hoping that dream becomes reality (okay, maybe not ALL of it:) very soon.

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  6. I used to have pregnancy dreams all the time before we started TTC. I finally checked out what they were supposed to signify and apparently its when your in the middle of a large project and unsure of the outcome. Pretty sure TTC is a large project. :)

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  7. Praying your dream comes true (well most of it, I'm not sure the holographic technology is quite there yet ;)

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  8. I loved that dream...keep those images in your heart and head as you travel this road, remember that you've seen your daughter and she's gorgeous and she is COMING!!!!!

    that dream is all about HOPE and keeping that with you is most important right now. You just have to BELIEVE. HUG

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  9. What a crazy dream! Some of my baby dreams have been very strange and vivid, too. I just wish it could become a reality...

    I also know what you mean about the bfn dreams. Unfortunately, those come true every month :(.

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