Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Gifts from the Universe

I'm a bit of a mess right now. Although I managed to pull myself from the brink of last week's meltdown, I'm still having moments when I realize I'm a complete emotional basketcase. Getting two pregnancy announcements in addition to last week's bomb has not helped this at all. Although I'm laughing them off, my wounds are still fresh and tender, and I find myself inexplicably on the edge of tears at strange and unpredictable moments, with no ability to articulate why I'm in so much pain.

This feels a lot like nursing a broken heart. I've been with Mr. Stick for more then ten years now, but you don't forget what it feels like to break up with someone and feel the carpet of the future you imagined roughly pulled out from under you. I guess I must be grieving, which I didn't expect would happen when I decided to take break. It's like when you work really hard for a few weeks and the first moment you get a break, your body decides it can get sick on you. For whatever reason, my body really just wants to be sad and gloomy right now.

And being the type A that I am, my reaction is, "This is sooooo not the time for you to pull this on me, Stickles. I gave you a TTC break, not an all-access pass to watch tv, read trashy books, take naps, and cry! You have project deadlines to meet!"

But the strange and wonderful thing is that I've been noticing since last week that the universe seems to be making room for my need to be a vegetable and work through some of my muck:
  • One of my non-profit clients has been a complete PITA for me in the last year. They are constantly cheaping out on IT and web projects, which create long-term issues that I end up having to contend with down the line. Well, last week, a couple come forward and volunteered to redo and take over their website in exchange for a service this client provides. My initial reaction was, "Oh shit, they're cheaping out again." But then I realized that here was an opportunity to unload this client without leaving them up a creek. So I let go of my attachment to them, and that burden was lifted.
  • I've been scrambling to get another client project finished by the end of this week. Last night, it stormed so hard that our power kept going out, so I finally shut down my computer and curled up with "Olive Kittridge" (a rather depressing book, btw). Then today, the client called and told me she'd be out all next week, which means I have a whole other week to finish said project. 
And the biggest gift of all? 

I'm going to home to California for the summer. Surprise! This has actually been in the works for a few months, but it has finally taken shape over the last two weeks. Mr. Stick has taken on a new position with a tech company headquartered in northern California, and they want him out there for training this summer. They would've paid for him to fly back and forth every week and put him in a hotel while he was there, but Mr. Stick proposed that it would cost just as much to fly us both out there for the whole time and put us up in a short-term rental.

(Both DH and I do computer-based work from home, so we're pretty portable. In fact, the only reason why we've stuck around Austin for so long lately is so I can get fertility treatment.)

I've found us the perfect sublet in the Mission District - it's a block from a shuttle that would take Mr. Stick to work, a block from a ZipCar lot if I need to grab a car, and a few blocks from the BART train which allows me to go to the East Bay and visit my mom. We'll be really close to a yoga studio so that I can get back into my practice.

We'll also only be a short bus ride from a fertility acupuncture clinic and the Pacific Fertility Center (which was recommended by Dr. G.) if I decide to keep up with treatments while I'm there. I'm not sure how I feel about starting with a new center, but I like having the option. Also, I have to admit that with this new job, we'll have some infertility coverage (not IVF, but everything else), which had an influence over why I decided to take a break now.

So, I know in my head that there's a lot of things to look forward to, even though my heart hasn't quite gotten up to speed with things. And I just have to put this out there - if the universe is in the mood for sending me gifts, could it please send me a B-A-B-Y while it's at it?


  1. It sounds like some great things are coming up for you. Its understandable for your body to grieve. You have had a certain mindset for so long that it must be hard to try to get away from. I would go with it and before you know you will be laughing a lot more and finding yourself happy. Who knows all that relaxing may just bring a baby your way! I am jealous you get to move to Cali, that is my dream.

    Thanks again for stopping by and leaving your support. I appreciate it so much. I am here for you. Also, you should try that chicken recipe it was so easy and tasted as good as it looked!

  2. so I started reading and it was like.."we're in the same place..sort of" and I felt FOR YOU and with you for sure. Like...OMG, I know and I remember how that feels.

    But then, the post got better and better. Really you have an ANGEL somewhere lately don't you??? The break, CA for the summer, a new place, a new vantage point in which to look at things.

    I know that sometimes it feels like everything is working against us and even the smallest movement is going to make it worse (remember how I just wrote about even the Bad being familiar ?) but sometimes just deciding to MOVE..to GO, and TO STOP makes the BIGGEST difference in our life.

    there are Gifts all over, Angels all over (I think one brought me to your blog..I do!!!) and that if you can just know that good things are coming, you're going to see something (BABY) wonderful happen.

    I know that with my journey, I resisted change even when I truly wanted to change. I stayed with my OB too long, I resisted being IF, and moving to an RE etc...but once I did, once I just LET GO..the doors opened.

    Love ya and thinking GOOD stuff for you!

  3. I'm glad the universe is making room for your vegetable needs and I think it's a good analogy, actually: the working hard and then getting sick the moment you go on vacation. Those down times are sucky, especially when you think you should be spending them otherwise, but I like to think that they're a part of the entire regeneration process. (Could be fooling myself, though).

    You've had a tough time lately and I think California sounds wonderful. The rental is perfectly placed and the fact that you can consider continuing stuff with PFC leaves all your options open, which is great.

    Give your heart time - it'll get up to speed. (And I second your request to the universe.)

  4. My experience has been that grief shows up unexpectedly. Like often I'll post something positive and the next day wake up wanting to DIEEEEE! In any event, how fabulous that a few things have fallen into place to allow you some breathing space. AWESOME! I lived in Berkeley for many years so can visualize your environs, and is sounds like a great change!

  5. A broken heart is EXACTLY what it's like. Nuff said.

    As for your summer in SF, that sounds AMAZING. E and I were coincidentally just starting to discuss the possibility of moving back there. We love that city! If we do, I'll ask more how you feel about the pacific fertility center. And yes, a summer in SF would be a great time to get knocked up!

  6. I know how hard it is, sweetie. TRUST me. After a week of feeling like I was climbing out of the hole, I seem to be back in it. But you've got some great stuff coming, and the universe seems to be giving you breaks where it can. Say hi to CA for me while you're out there! (((HUGS)))

  7. I think it's great that you are focussing on the positive. A change is as good as a holiday, right? All things you mentioned about CA sound great. Would love to visit SF one day.

    Also understand about the client - have the same situation here - sometimes you have to let go of them to allow space for another one.

    I second the universe to grant your wish.

  8. Nothing wrong with some grieving. I think we all go through it at one point or another in our journey.

    I'll continue to pray for you that the universe gives you the correct present. :)