Thursday, May 13, 2010

Down and up, and then down down down...

This was supposed to be a different post.

I was going to write about how emotionally and psychically drained I've been feeling lately. About how I've been dragging my feet over my planned Clomid/IUI cycle and wasn't feeling any joy or optimism about it.  About how after a really long talk with a close friend yesterday, I had come to realize that I was looking forward to taking a break from TTC more than I was looking forward to trying to get pregnant. And how that made me realize that maybe I shouldn't go through with this next treatment cycle. Because my heart wasn't into it, and deep down I didn't believe that it would work anyway.

I was going to write about how I summoned up the courage to call Dr. G. this morning and cancel my CD baseline ultrasound and admit to you all that I just needed to take a break, get off the treadmill, break the cycle of deja vu. About how light and free I felt after cancelling, that I actually felt more like myself than I had in months.

That I went to the gym for the first time in a really long time and took a salsa aerobics class because I had energy to spare. That I went out with my friend N, and without even knowing what I had done, she said to me over lunch, "What I love about you is that you have such an honor and respect for your body and its needs." And that I then took the $185 I was going to spend on my ultrasound and went and got a haircut, a brow wax, and a brazilian and had leftover money to book a massage with N for next week.

I was going to tell you that I felt like I had taken back my life back, just for a little while. That I did the right thing and listened to that voice inside that said, "I don't feel like doing this," and I gave my tired and anxious self a reprieve. That even though I was going to let go of hope for this cycle, I wasn't going to waste the time - I was going to love, nurture, and take care of myself.

I was at my computer about to write the post. I should've just written the damn post.

Instead, I saw the blinking on my answering machine and realized that my best friend M called. So I called her back.

She's thirteen weeks pregnant. THIRTEEN WEEKS. I had asked her point blank two months ago if she was pregnant, and she told me no.  Maybe she didn't know at the time, but I can't help but feel like she lied to me. My. Best. Friend. Lied. To. Me. About. Being. Pregnant.

That peace I had cultivated for myself? Gone. That little cloud of understanding and bliss that I was floating on? Burst. I feel like the universe has just slapped me in the face.

I don't know how I got through the conversation. How I managed through the "We really weren't thinking about trying for another few months. It happened so fast." or "I had really wanted a March baby." or "I have to buy new maternity clothes because all my old ones were for winter."

I fooled her. Oh, God how I fooled her. I was so nice, I was so sweet. I laughed, and I said all the right things. And I was so very understanding and congratulatory, and all I wanted to do was scream at her, "Why did you have to tell me this today of all days? Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why didn't you tell me later? Why did you have to pee all over my peace parade?"

I have always prided myself on being able to put my grief aside when someone else gets pregnant. This is no longer the case. For the first time in more than two years of TTC, I wept, and I sobbed, and I cursed when I got off the phone after learning that someone else was expecting. I never, ever, ever thought that I would react this way to my best friend of all people.

I feel totally lost. I don't know if I did the right thing anymore. Part of me says yes, and the other part of me says it's not too late to ask for Clomid and get back on the treadmill.

I feel utterly betrayed. Betrayed by the universe, betrayed by my friend, but most of all, betrayed by my own good intentions and love for myself.


  1. Hit stop on your life DVR, hit rewind, go back to bliss and then don't listen to your messages.

    I wish that wasn't impossible. :(

    Regardless of anyone else in your world, you took a break this cycle for YOU, don't change that, don't forget that. You made the right choice in getting off the treadmill, you truly did.

    If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will. Now go get a mani and a pedi to go with your new hair and brows.

  2. I gotta agree with Katie up above. You. NEEDED. This Break. Regardless of the circumstances of what happened AFTER you found out about the latest news.

    Take care of yourself ... both mentally and physically. Because if you don't ... no one else will.

    Coincidentally (?) I just recently got some similar news as well. It appears that 13-14 weeks ago was a very ... ahem ... "productive" time for those other "fertile" people.

    ((HUGS)) We will survive!

  3. You need the break. Take what your body and your heart tell you. Maybe it's because you are on a break that this news hit you so hard. When my sister told me she was pregnant, just days after my tubal blockage dx, I felt betrayed as well, since I had seen her recently and she had said they were trying but not trying. She was pregnant at the time and knew. And I was jealous, and envious, and angry at the world for days.

    Take the break you need. Rest your mind, rest your body, and most of all, rest your soul. Pamper yourself. Get that massage. Do the BD just cuz it's fun. LIVE for a month.

    And remember, we are all here for you and we all love you.

  4. Oh babe, that's harsh news to get when you'd lightened up. Just because you freed yourself a bit doesn't mean you're over IF.

    I'm sorry that your friend took so long to tell you. Maybe she was waiting to see if she got safely through the first trimester - if she hadn't then telling you would have been pointless. Maybe she was just waiting because she worried you'd take it hard. Whatever the reason, I'm sure she loves you.

    ((hugs)) enjoy your break - I know I enjoyed mine.

  5. Here from Stirrup Queens. I had a friend who knew all about our TTC efforts who never told me they had even started trying and then she called me at work (!) to announce her pregnancy. (before a 3 day skiing weekend which they were attending). It sucks. I was pretty mad at her for months and avoided her for most of her pregnancy but that's me. It's a little better now that I'm in a better place but it did take time. Hang in there. Breaks are good, especially when you're feeling so blah about the procedure. Oh, and I read your post about the UTI nightmare - yikes!

  6. Here from the roundup.

    HUGS. Take care of you.

  7. Holy CRAP?! I can't get into Stirrup-Queens right now, but did I make it onto the Friday blog roundup?!

    Is it crazy that in the midst of my emotional meltdown I feel like a celebrity? I mean, Apron Strings Emily just commented on my blog! I'm on Lollipop Goldstein's radar! I'm like...legit!!!

  8. The fact that you broke down about your friend's pregnancy when you wouldn't normally is proof positive that you need a break. I say take a couple of days being pissed at the Universe, and then find a good friend or loved one and go out and paint the town RED. Do anything and everything that your pregnant friends/friends with babies can't do and get that good feeling back.

  9. here through the Roundup...

    and since I don't really know you, I can only tell you what I would say , if I had just met you (check) and you poured your soul out to me (Check sort of)

    I am so sorry...INSERT GIRL HUG HERE...and I understand..CRYING WTH YOU HERE...and it does suck, infertility sucks, betrayal by your friend (She should have known better), by your body (UGH), by the universe (ROTTEN SOB sometimes)is all unfair and wrong and worthy of those tears you shed.

    when I read the beginning , I felt that HOPE and JOY and RELEASE you were feeling. When I read you took that $$$ and made yourself FEEL and LOOK beautiful, I thought, GOOD FOR HER!
    When I read about your friend and her news, my heart broke for you.

    However, I am siding with Chickenpig above, if it normally doesn't bother you and it did, if you did all this for yourself and then felt like it was all a lie...even in the midst of your joy, you need a break. No shame or guilt or second thoughts, just a break.

    I know it's hard to get there in your head, I felt it for4 years, I could say I didn't want Jan babies, etc....but you know what? IN the final analysis, it won't will just BE.
    My HOPE for you , offered from my hands. *HUG*

  10. Here from SQ (yes! you are there! famous!).

    What is it about this infertility treadmill and its sense of timing?


  11. Oh man I am so sorry. My best friend just gave birth Monday. Its hard but hopefully soon you will start to feel better.

  12. Here from the roundup. I SO know this feeling. Whatever you are feeling, it's valid, and you're not alone.



  13. Here from SQ. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think a lot of us have been where you are. It's never easy, but it is true that you need to take care of yourself FIRST and not worry about the rest of it.

    Sending you good thoughts.

  14. Here from the roundup. Mr S and I have been taking multiple treatment breaks this go round- and it feels wonderful.

    Even on this other side of having a child- it is still a kick in the head when those announcements pop up. Not as strong a kick in the head- I've never stayed in bed all day crying this time- but the sting never seems to leave.

  15. I've been meaning to catch up with you - sending a big hug.

    I think you did the right thing in taking a break - and then going out making yourself feel fabulous. Two years is a long time and you need to take care of yourself FIRST in this battle.

    You are not alone. Thinking of you.

  16. Here from SQ.

    I went through something similar three years ago. I can still remember where I was and exactly what it was like to hear that pregnancy announcement. At five months! From a very close friend. It was horrible. :-(

    You're not alone. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

  17. I just found this post. I just went through this very experience about a week before you did--dodging a friend's calls, knowing in my heart she was pregnant, convincing myself she wasn't, and of course, getting that announcement at the worst possible time.

    I'm now officially incapable of dealing with friends' pregnancies any longer. It's taken too much out of me, and I'm drained.

    You're not alone in feeling this way.