Sunday, April 11, 2010

Cleaning the Closets...

After finishing up a major work project in February, I rewarded myself with a piece of furniture I've been hankering after for a while now - a big 10-drawer dresser to contain all the clothes that have started leaking out of a much smaller chest of drawers. I picked out a simple, sturdy, unfinished oak piece from a local furniture store a few weeks ago, spent last weekend finishing it with a beautiful golden tung oil, and we happily moved it into our bedroom on Friday.

Today, I started moving my clothes into it. I love organizing in general and started out having a fun time of it. But then little reminders and questions started creeping up into every decision I made:
  • I haven't worn this shirt in forever, and it's a little big on me. Why don't I donate it? But wait, it's got a nice empire waist. Wouldn't it be great for early pregnancy? Oh yeah, that's why I keep holding on to it.
  • Hmm...these skirts barely fit anymore. I should work out a little more to fit back into them. But what if I get pregnant? Surely I will never be able to fit into them post-partum, and I'll need the room for maternity clothes. So I'll throw them out. But wait, what if I don't get pregnant? Should I really throw these skirts out then? They were such a good find.
  • Okay, now that I've emptied the old chest of drawers, maybe I should put some of DH's clothes in them, so he doesn't have to keep using those plastic Target drawers in the closet. But wait, didn't I plan on moving the old chest to the guest room so that we can put baby clothes in it when the time comes? Didn't we talk about putting a diaper changing station on it because it's the perfect height? So if I fill it up with DH's clothes, does that mean I've lost faith, or should I just buy the baby a whole bunch of brand new furniture when the time comes?
It all got to be too much for me, and Mr. Stick found me sitting in front of my brand new dresser with tears in my eyes. I hate that I can't make decisions around what clothes to keep and what to throw out. I hate that writing this has made me realized that I haven't done any major clothes shopping in the last eighteen months because I  keep hoping that I'll get pregnant and won't fit the things I am buying.

I know that these decisions are simple. I can always throw out clothes, buy new clothes, move DH's clothes out of the old chest, and/or buy new furniture. But IF is clouding it all in my head.

Each decision has been reduced to whether: "I'm hoping to get pregnant soon, so I should plan around that." or "Just keep on living like nothing is going to change."


  1. I totally hear you on this one. I
    go through my wardrobe every season, and for a while was totally hung up whether I should keep things in case I needed them later. But then I realized that if I ever did get pregnant, I'd want the finest maternity wardrobe not-that-much-money could buy! I mean, if I ever had a baby-filled belly, I'd take such pleasure in buying things for now I just worry about whether the thing looks good on me or not, which has been, for me, a good compromise between planning around the future I want and dealing with the reality I've got.

  2. (((((HUGS))))) I'm sorry you're new chest of drawers brought you to tears. I think we all do that "what if" thing. I know I used to do that with vacations with DH. But as much as IF and TTC will always be on our mind and a part of our lives, it can't dictate how we live our lives. I know that is a hard thing to do. Its not easy for me to say that. I know there are some days that I struggle with the "what ifs". Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

  3. I definitely try to live as though I WON'T be pregnant, but it is often hard to.

    I guess just try to plan for both-- and I agree with Bunny that you should throw out the empire shirt and get ACTUAL maternity-wear when you do get pregnant!