Holding Pattern

Glad you haven't given up on me yet!

I've been in a bit of a holding pattern these past few weeks, drifting in and out of that peaceful (yet wholly unproductive) land called denial. I'm doing a really good job of this break thing, so much so that I'm not even reading up on your blogs as I usually do because I've almost forgotten that I'm infertile.

My body hasn't forgotten, though, and my cycle started as usual. It was a little shorter this time around, which means it's actually approaching normal - wonder if it's the acupuncture or the hour-a-day of heavy breathing in a room with a bunch of other female yogis that's doing it. Whatever it is, I hope it keeps up.

Introducing Dr. H.

So I finally had my consultation with Pacific Fertility Center last week - leave it to me to sit on the data for a whole week before reporting it these days. Dr. H. was really warm and friendly, and I enjoyed my conversation with him a lot and got some rather interesting but not overly helpful data:

• He's not a big believer in mycoplasma/ureaplasma as a cause for IF, and he doesn't think that cultures are particularly helpful. So if I want to proceed in looking into ureaplasma as a potential factor, I'll probably have to push testing and treatment through my urologist. There's enough inertia in me that makes me not want to do this at the moment. Bleh.
• He thinks I should give Letrozole/Femara a try because it won't thin my lining like Clomid would. Dr. G had not been a proponent of Femara, saying that the pharmaceutical company that makes it issued a letter saying that it wasn't meant for infertility treatment. Dr. H said that PFC uses it regularly without any major causes for concern and that doctors in the South and Southwest tend to be more conservative around using it.
• Dr. H also interestingly encouraged that after Femara, we go straight to single-embryo-transfer IVF if I'm concerned about the rate of multiples with moving on to injectibles. He said that their success for single-embryo are almost as good as their rates with doubles at their clinic. I think that if I were to do IVF, I'd do single-embryo anyway - the thought of multiples completely terrifies me, and it's one of the big reasons why I didn't pursue IF treatment earlier.
• Lastly, he said that we could do further testing like a 3-day FSH and antral follicle count to double check ovarian reserve, but he felt that because I ovulated on my own and was still young (Ha! I love it that he says I'm young!) that it wasn't a big concern. He also wasn't big on getting a laparoscopy since I have no symptoms of endometriosis and my chances of having it were like, 20%, so there'd be an 80% chance I'd be undergoing surgery for no reason.

So, Now What?

Well, I don't really know. I'm tempted to sit out for the next few months still and then pursue treatment back in Texas this fall for the following reasons:

• Mr. Stick's new job has pretty decent insurance that covers IF treatment, but PFC is not an in-network provider, where Dr. G is. Ironically, if the insurance didn't cover IF, I'd have just proceeded with PFC because I like their style, and the cost would've been close to the same. But I can't just ignore the fact that we'd get 50% of our costs with Dr. G covered if I stick to doing treatments with him. 
• The timing is such that I can squeeze in one Femara cycle in California, but it looks like I will ovulate around the time we leave, which would make doing the IUI shuffle rather difficult.
• Mr. Stick is ridiculously overworked at the moment, so even if IUI were an option, it'd definitely create more stress on him to do the procedure on my next cycle.

So I'm kind of resting somewhere between patience (wait until October, and well, maybe get pregnant by then...ha!) or persistence (screw it, call PFC and do a Femara with intercourse cycle). My window for the persistence option is closing soon, so I pretty much need to decide over the next few days whether I'm going to live on "Take a break Island" for a little longer or take the ferry back to "Trying-ville."

Just Pretend I'm Not Here...

(Which you probably should since I can't seem to keep up with this blogging thing lately. I'm actually considering signing up for ICLW this month to see if having a little accountability will improve things!)

But really, the title of this post refers to a tea I had with two of my friends (I've become addicted to high tea in San Francisco - the city has an abundance of affordable tearooms) earlier this week. Two of my pregnant friends, I should say, but it honestly feels like I don't even need that adjective because I swear to you that it seems like ALL of my friends are pregnant.

I should've seen it coming, considering I knew they were both knocked up, but I thought that as educated adult women in our 30's, we could pass 2 to 3 hours together without having to talk about babies and being pregnant the whole freakin' time. Either I'm ridiculously naive or pregnant women are just asinine - probably a little of both.

What made it worse, I think, is that this is A's first pregnancy and M's second, so all A could talk about was about how sick she was during her first trimester, with M reassuring her about all the stages and telling her all the things she could look forward to in her second trimester. I felt like I was part of a strange tryptich: the wise and knowing second-time mother, the anxious and excited first-time mother, and me...the barren bitch.

Anyway, I serenely smiled through the whole thing and drank my tea. (I drank a lot of tea - by my 2nd pot, I was kind of wishing they were the Long Island Iced kind.) And when they did remember that (oops!) they were sitting in the presence of an infertile, talk turned to more inclusive subjects like work, food, marriage, etc. I mean, it wasn't all horrible - they are both incredible and positive women, they have a great sense of humor, and the tea and snacks were yummy. I think I just overestimated my ability to sit through all that baby talk without feeling a little like a useless bag of dysfunctional woman parts by the end of the day.

And of course, I agreed with them by the end of the tea that it'd be tons of fun to have dinner with them and our respective spouses later this summer, which it would. But to quote fellow blogger Glum Bunny there will be inevitable moments of wretchedness. At least I'll be better prepared this time around, and I'll have Mr. Stick there to lean on.

In Other TTC News:

* I turned 34 last week, which happened with little fanfare as regrettably, there was a death in the family. It's a strange yet life-affirming thing to spend one's birthday at a funeral home. Anyway, this qualifies as TTC news because it means that I have less than a year before I hit "advanced maternal age" - stupid western medical terms.

* I can honestly say that this last cycle was a total break. No temping, no peeing on sticks, and having sex only when we're in the mood. I forgot how freeing this feels - it actually makes me reluctant to get back on the TTC train schedule.

* That said, though, I can tell from my boobs (I feel like Karen from "Mean Girls") that this cycle is completely wonky. They've been sore all week, which of course means AF is coming, but they're more than a week early. I don't know if being here has suddenly reset me to a 28 day cycle (San Francisco is better than Clomid!) or if my body went anovulatory from travel stress.

* I have a consultation with Pacific Fertility Center on Tuesday the 20th with Dr. Herbert, which I thought I had strategically scheduled to happen at the start of my cycle (I want that day 3 FSH test damn it!), but if the above is correct, then we'll have to wait through another cycle, and there goes the summer. Hrmph.

California Dreamin'

OMG, I really have been MIA, haven't I?

Anyway, sorry for holding you all up in suspense, and even worse - not keeping up with and commenting on your amazing lives. I thought that by not having my regular client workload, I'd have a lot more free time here, but it seems to be the opposite. (I even planned on trying for Iron Commenter for the June ICLW - but I didn't even manage to make my regular appearance - ha!)

The short explanation is that San Francisco and I are having this mad love affair right now, and while I know I will of course go back to my ever-loving and faithful Austin, that knowledge is urging me to wring every moment of joy out of this summer with my new paramour. :)

Some highlights of the past two weeks:

* My sister came to town for a week during which we ate at as many little bakeries and local eateries as our stomachs could manage. She declared that we had only a limited number of meals together, so each one had to count! In between meals, we managed to find a really great dress for me to wear to her upcoming wedding this fall. And then her friends and I threw a bachelorette day for her (complete with tickets to "Wicked") and held a lovely bridal shower at our childhood home, so that week flew by like gangbusters.

* No sooner had sis left town then my really good friend from Austin, N., flew in with her college best friend for a long birthday weekend. We pretty much went all over the city - Fisherman's Wharf, the Marina, Chinatown, North Beach and Union Square. We had afternoon tea at the Crown and Crumpet, drank lots of wine in their hotel room, and did some credit card damage at all the shops in Union Square.

* Then there was Pride just this past weekend, and our neighborhood was inundated with parties. Mr. Stick and I made it out to watch the big parade yesterday morning, which was one of the most colorful and joyful celebrations I've ever seen. And while you can't have a parade without spectators, I hope one day I get to march in it because everyone in the parade looked like they were having so much fun.

* On the TTC front, CD1 came and went, and I was so busy I barely noticed. I've been going to yoga regularly, and I started acupuncture again last week, though that's mostly been for allergies. (The fact that I managed to avoid allergies this season in Austin means nothing to SF, apparently.) I think I'm settled in enough now to call up Pacific Fertility Center for a consultation this week or next, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that maybe they'll be able to explain the "unexplained." Also, my affair with the city (not to mention the semi-annual sale at the ginormous Victoria's Secret in Union Square) seems to be giving our love life a fun little boost.  

So that's pretty much it! Thanks to my hardpartying ways, I have a boatload of work to catch up on, so it'll be another day or two before I get around to sprinkling comments and love. But I knew that if I didn't blog right now, I'd never get around to it, so hopefully this will keep you all going until I come up for air again.

Binging on Free Wifi

So I made it to California safe and sound, only to find that the previous tenant living in our place freakin stole the router, so I have had no internet (wireless or otherwise) for nearly a week now. I've been joking around that I feel Amish living without easy internet access, but my clients and friends seem to be taking it much harder. I've fielded so many calls asking if I've dropped off the earth!

Luckily, where I'm living I'm surrounded by cafes with free wifi, so I've been hopping all around the neighborhood to get my daily fix. I've been focusing mostly on getting work done, and only now have had the chance to post and leave a couple of sporadic comments. Oh, and the landlord and the property management company are going back and forth over who has to replace it, so who knows how much longer this is going to last?! Grrr...

Body-wise, I just finished up my week of antibiotics, so hopefully that UTI crap is out of my system and gone for good. It usually takes a few days to find out, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It turns out that I ovulated the day before my UTI, so I'm not holding out a whole lot of hope that anything managed to conceive and stick around down there.

Even so, I'm feeling pretty content to be in a different place and in such a vibrant environment. I'm between the Mission and Castro districts, so it's kind of nice to see lots of straight and gay couples walking around with dogs instead of kids. We fit right in, though Fetch is a bit of a hick and doesn't heel or behave as citified as the other little dogs. (He's sitting at my heels outside the cafe as I type this and is looking up every now and then to see if I'll share my tuna sandwich.) I signed on with a yoga studio nearby, and I've been eating really well with all the yummy ethnic places and little produce markets around.

Anyway, I send out lots of love and happy thoughts to my preggie and infertile friends alike. I've tried to comment on most of my regular haunts and will do my best to keep it up.

Don't Ride If Pregnant

So one of the best things about being on a break is getting to do things pregnant women can't do - sushi, alcohol, and caffeine naturally come to mind, but at the top of the fun list is scary thrill rides. And while I didn't get on actual roller coasters per se, Mr. Stick and I played hooky today and went to Schlitterbahn, which is the best darn waterpark I've ever been to.

It's a ginormous, sprawling complex that's basically three mini-waterparks in one. The first time we went, we didn't get to everything. This week, they were running a saver special where they only opened two of the waterparks, and school is still in session, so we pretty much got to go on every major ride/slide 2-3 times. One of them we went somewhere between 6-8, we lost count.

Anyway, I really wish I'd had a camera on me (which I conveniently left at home because...duh, there's WATER EVERYWHERE) because on every sign before a big ride there was posted a big warning against expectant mothers riding, accompanied by this graphic of a stork carrying a baby and a big red/circle/slash on top of it. After seeing it for the umpteenth time, Mr. Stick goes, "Wow - that could be the international sign for infertility!"

LOL. That boy cracks me up.

Speaking of which, I have to shout out to my fellow bloggers who now cannot ride the "Master Blaster" or the "Dragon's Revenge" with me. Congratulations and sticky vibes to Leslie (Evolutionary Dead End), Adele (Delinquent Eggs), Type A (Type A Nightmare), Sew (Sew Infertile) and Samantha (And Baby Will Make 3). Here's hoping all of you except Samantha have a reason to change your blog names soon!

Perfect Moment Monday: A Second Slice of Cake

Thanks to DaisyGal for partially inspiring this post with her own sunny entry today. It's so much easier for me to blog about the bad days, the dark feelings, and the overall crap that falls into my life than to give equal attention to the sunny days when love and kindness seem to be overflowing. When things are good, why sit in front of a computer and write about it when I can be out there soaking up the goodness and living it?

But I recently finished reading Jenni Schaefer's latest book (I do work in the eating disorders field, and, for the sake of full disclosure, I have some personal history with them as well.), and in it she writes about journaling the good days as well as the bad, as a reminder and a source of solace when things get bad.

So my perfect moment? Eating my second slice of cake for the day.

There's the obvious interpretation in light of what I just wrote about having an eating disordered history, but fortunately it's so far in the distant past that what I eat barely registers in that way anymore. It's more of a reminder that I'm on a break, so I really don't need to watch what I eat this cycle in terms of caffeine, alcohol, and other not-so-good-for-TTC things. And that feels freeing.

The real reason, though, is that the cake is a souvenir from one of the best parties I have ever had the pleasure of throwing and attending yesterday. Mr. Stick turns 40 next week, and one of our closest friends is turning 80 on the same day. His wife and I joke about them being twins born 40 years apart, and it certainly speaks to something about horoscope signs and all because they really are very similar despite the age difference!

So with two landmark birthdays, we decided to throw an all-out shindig yesterday at their house (which is bigger and has a pool). There was lots of food and wine (and a keg!), close to 90(!) guests who dropped in and out over the course of the day, lion and dragon dancers, and even an impromptu jazz jam session (a lot of their friends are musicians) late in the evening.

Because of the big age difference between ourselves and our friends, the party guests covered every age demographic, from the newly-born to the not-quite-ready-for-the-senior-center crowd. There were at least two dozen kids of every age running about or splashing in the pool, most of which were our friends' offspring.

I noticed about a year ago that I've started to be a little distant around kids. I'm always friendly and tolerant, but I wouldn't really play with or engage with them in the way that I used to in the past. (I used to be an in-demand babysitter once upon a time.) I think it's because parents would invariably comment and ask me about having kids of my own, and it just became too difficult to deal with as the months of unsuccessful TTC dragged by.

And while it's a protective and reasonable thing to do, I've realized that it's also pretty selfish. I'm depriving myself and these kids-who-are-not-mine from a positive interaction just because I'm afraid of being wounded by a careless comment. So this party was a test for me, and I decided that I was going to give and get all the kid-love I wanted...because who knows how many opportunities I'll get if my womb stays empty?

So that's what I did, along with my secret weapon: Fetch-the-best-dog-ever. 

I got to carry around a fussy 1-year-old boy, defend a 4-year-old girl's right to another gingerbread cookie, help a 7-year-old boy navigate the swimming pool, taught an 8-year-old boy how to make Fetch do tricks for chicken nuggets, and banter with a couple of surprisingly articulate adolescents.

And yes, the comments did come - someone shouted out that I looked good with the 1-year-old on my hip - and his mother who doesn't know about IF made a comment about me being able to afford a baby now that DH has his new job. But I was full of wine and sun and kid-love, so they rolled away without leaving too much sting behind.

There were a lot of other great moments of catching up with busy friends, watching Fetch become a hit with the crowd of people, breaking out glow sticks when night fell, and simply splashing around with Mr. Stick. And towards the end of the day, the friends we threw the party with gave us a beautiful watercolor that the wife had painted that I've admired for a long time as a gift.

I cried some happy tears on the long car ride home.

Happy May ICLW!

Thanks for stopping by my blog! If you're new, the post with all our IF details is here.

The Current State of Things

After 3 Clomid cycles (2 with IUI), Mr. Stick and I are sitting this next one (and probably the one after that as well) out. There were a couple of reasons why - we're preparing for a big trip, we get better insurance next month, but the most important one is that I just plain realized that I needed to take a break.

So no meds and no procedures (and no wands up my hoohah!), but I'm still doing weekly acupuncture, taking vitamins (though not as religiously) and temping because my acupuncturist reads my chart each week. We'll see if I have the willpower to stay away from the OPK's in the next two weeks.

Oh, and the strange and sad thing is within a week of taking a break, I got four pregnancy announcements. One from my best friend, which I didn't take so well, one from a really good childhood friend, one from a local buddy, and lastly a surprise birth announcement from a friend of Mr. Stick's. Sigh - I feel like I'm starving in the midst of plenty.

And While I Have Your Attention...

I figured I'd pass along two really great offers that might interest you, dear reader.

1) Beckie's Infertility Journey is giving away an Ultimate Fertility Package this month.

Girlfriend is giving away an OV-Watch starter Kit, Pre-Seed , Fertility Socks, A Few Good Eggs Fertility Book, and chocolate and herbal tea. Go to her website to get the details on how to sign up for the offer. And just to let you know, even though I'm signed up too, if I can't win it, then I'll be just as happy if you win it!

2) This isn't really IF-related, but Zoya Nail Polish is running their nail polish exchange through June 30.

Zoya makes a toluene, phtalate-free nail polish that's pretty popular among preggies. The way their exchange works is, you mail in 6 or more of your old nail polishes plus $3.50 s&h for each bottle you mail in. Then, they'll mail you back the same number of Zoya nail polishes - you can pick from about 300 different colors. It's a good way to get rid of your old, toxic crap and get some new colors in for sandal season.

That's it! Thanks for dropping by - leave me a comment, and I'll do my best to return it. This community has given me so much support and love that I'm always happy to pay it forward.