Sunday, July 11, 2010

Just Pretend I'm Not Here...

(Which you probably should since I can't seem to keep up with this blogging thing lately. I'm actually considering signing up for ICLW this month to see if having a little accountability will improve things!)

But really, the title of this post refers to a tea I had with two of my friends (I've become addicted to high tea in San Francisco - the city has an abundance of affordable tearooms) earlier this week. Two of my pregnant friends, I should say, but it honestly feels like I don't even need that adjective because I swear to you that it seems like ALL of my friends are pregnant.

I should've seen it coming, considering I knew they were both knocked up, but I thought that as educated adult women in our 30's, we could pass 2 to 3 hours together without having to talk about babies and being pregnant the whole freakin' time. Either I'm ridiculously naive or pregnant women are just asinine - probably a little of both.

What made it worse, I think, is that this is A's first pregnancy and M's second, so all A could talk about was about how sick she was during her first trimester, with M reassuring her about all the stages and telling her all the things she could look forward to in her second trimester. I felt like I was part of a strange tryptich: the wise and knowing second-time mother, the anxious and excited first-time mother, and me...the barren bitch.

Anyway, I serenely smiled through the whole thing and drank my tea. (I drank a lot of tea - by my 2nd pot, I was kind of wishing they were the Long Island Iced kind.) And when they did remember that (oops!) they were sitting in the presence of an infertile, talk turned to more inclusive subjects like work, food, marriage, etc. I mean, it wasn't all horrible - they are both incredible and positive women, they have a great sense of humor, and the tea and snacks were yummy. I think I just overestimated my ability to sit through all that baby talk without feeling a little like a useless bag of dysfunctional woman parts by the end of the day.

And of course, I agreed with them by the end of the tea that it'd be tons of fun to have dinner with them and our respective spouses later this summer, which it would. But to quote fellow blogger Glum Bunny there will be inevitable moments of wretchedness. At least I'll be better prepared this time around, and I'll have Mr. Stick there to lean on.

In Other TTC News:

* I turned 34 last week, which happened with little fanfare as regrettably, there was a death in the family. It's a strange yet life-affirming thing to spend one's birthday at a funeral home. Anyway, this qualifies as TTC news because it means that I have less than a year before I hit "advanced maternal age" - stupid western medical terms.

* I can honestly say that this last cycle was a total break. No temping, no peeing on sticks, and having sex only when we're in the mood. I forgot how freeing this feels - it actually makes me reluctant to get back on the TTC train schedule.

* That said, though, I can tell from my boobs (I feel like Karen from "Mean Girls") that this cycle is completely wonky. They've been sore all week, which of course means AF is coming, but they're more than a week early. I don't know if being here has suddenly reset me to a 28 day cycle (San Francisco is better than Clomid!) or if my body went anovulatory from travel stress.

* I have a consultation with Pacific Fertility Center on Tuesday the 20th with Dr. Herbert, which I thought I had strategically scheduled to happen at the start of my cycle (I want that day 3 FSH test damn it!), but if the above is correct, then we'll have to wait through another cycle, and there goes the summer. Hrmph.


  1. Well, of course I can't help but think that the early sore boobs are a pregnancy symptom-- but that's because that's how my sick, obsessed mind works! Still-- it very very well could be! You would NOT be the first one to get pregnant on a break!

    I'm glad your SF adventure is so much fun- tea time, breaks from ttc, sounds great! But sorry you have to deal with the pregnant ladies... I just have my hopes pinned on the idea that soon YOU'LL be the excited newly-pregnant lady, and both of these friends will be giving YOU advice and reassurance!!!

  2. I realize what a total hypocrite I'm going to sound saying this but I had dinner last night with a friend of mine that is 14 weeks and she was a complete drag. I was very adept at having my NA beer in a koozie so I was completely safe from being "found out" but for two ladies "in the child way" - there was a distinct difference between us, she was whiny and high maintenance and it made me want to ask her to leave. But I'm an asshole like that.

  3. Wow, this post = me right now, in just about every way! I just got back from a baby shower where, out of 20+ women, I was one of 3 who doesn't have children and/or isn't currently pregnant. It was rough. The shower was for a friend of mine who is a fellow infertile and finally got pregnant through IVF, and so I am beyond thrilled for her. Still, though...all of the talk of how often to bathe the baby, birthing stories, and the worst part of all: "M, when are YOU going to start having kids?!" Oh, the horror.

    Those situations just aren't fun, are they? Which makes me even more grateful for the world of blogging, where I can share my snarky comments with others and somehow feel slightly better about things :)

  4. By the way, I need to add here that when I say that pregnant women are asinine, I don't mean any of you blog readers. For surely you - Leslie, Samantha, Type A, Oak, and others - would never completely dominate a conversation about being pregnant, especially with an infertile around.

  5. a lot of pregnant women can be smug and if they weren't pregnant would get smacked down. I am happy to hear you are still in love with your new city. If we ever meet IRL I will have to make you a long island tea, i make the best ones and they are strong as hell. it is nice to see you back in the blogosphere, welcome again!!!

  6. You did a lot better than I would have at the tea with your friends. I always plan dinners and nights out with friends then don't force yourself to go if you are not up for it! Or get a cute new outfit and go and have a few cocktails and be the life of the party!

  7. I wish I had good words but I don't. I am so ready for this to happen to you and I really hope this new doctor brings great things for you!

  8. I've been's the worst. You want to scream and tell them that they should enjoy every single symptom because it's the most amazing thing and you want it more than anything...but I don't think people would understand unless they've been through what we have. You showed more patience than I would have, I'm sure.

    And I can't help but wonder about the sore boobs...please keep us posted. Good luck at your appointment!

  9. I'm really sorry about the death in the family - a funeral home is a crap place to spend a birthday, or any other day for that matter.

    As to the tea, all I can say is ugh. Big, big ugh. There's something that happens to the brains of pregnant women, even smart, sensitive-to-the-feelings-of-others pregnant women. It seems to go into especially high gear when they near the safety of the second trimester. I had to laugh at your description of a "triptych":) I can just see it. And it isn't a pretty picture at all.

    BUT, I'm so glad that you are getting that consultation, and I hope you're wrong about your cycle and that you can do that Day 3 FSH and get the ball rolling (though I know what you mean about the bliss of taking some time off).

  10. sore boobs????? c;mon that's totally a PG symptom.

    but I know you don't want to hear it, you just want hugs and affirmation and HERE I AM!!!!!

    I hated when all my friends were PG and because of it, I lost friendships, I rarely saw anyone but my mom , siblings and DH. I just couldn' just hurt too much to try to make small talk about something that was SOOOOOO BIG.

    I was 37 when I got PG, and honestly advanced maternal age and ART get you more u/s, more drs appts, more dopplers and nurses that really listen ....I have LOTs of pictures of my babies, so you got that going for you. When one door closes and all that....:)

    xo HUGS xo

  11. 34? Snap. Sigh.

    I know what you mean about friends. Even the most aware and sensitive ones will get so engrossed in a conversation about morning sickness/ sleeping patterns/ nurseries that they don't realise they have being talking about nothing else for and hour and you are sitting glassy eyed wondering how to change the subject.

  12. Happy 34th birthday!! Sorry to hear about your death in the family. What an ordeal with your preggo friends! If it's any consolation, when I was pregnant, I was definitely a ditz, forgetting things always! Don't take it personally!
    I did a mini-feature on you for tomorrow's blog love post! ;-)
    So glad you have an appointment with a clinic and you're doing yoga and acupuncture!!

  13. Just found your blog through Stress Free Infertility!- I was one of the other featured bloggers in today's post :) Your blog makes me smile- which is so hard to do with this type of topic. I look forward to reading more!

  14. Just realized its been over a year since you've blogged and just thought I'd let you know that I'm hoping you're happy and busy!